Five Odd, Ineffective or Downright Gross Itchy Skin Remedies from History
Do you fantasize about time-traveling back to an age of castles, romance, and knights in shining armor? Would you like to meet Cleopatra in person, or walk alongside Moses? Well, if you think you get itchy now, think of our ancestors. Many people of yore were infested with fleas, crawling with body lice, or plagued with itchy sores from, well, the actual Plague, if they were lucky enough to live through it. Even royalty wasn’t safe. 400 years ago in Merrie Olde England, young Queen Elizabeth survived a serious case of smallpox, but she permanently scarred her skin by scratching her scabs, and her hair never grew back. She ruled England with an iron fist, a face covered in white clown makeup, while wearing an orange wig.
History is full of lessons!
In the past, itches were many, and ointments were few. People had to try something, and we found these strange historical itch remedies in the history books (aka The Internet). In several cases, the treatment seems worse than the itching. Much worse. Let’s see how far we’ve come.
Remedy: Rub your skin with onions.
Pros: We can trace this smelly solution all the way back to Ancient Greece. It isn’t too harmful, and onions do have anti-inflammatory properties.
Cons: Go ahead. Try to keep a freshly cut onion on that little patch of dermatitis on your elbow. Try it at work. Scotch tape has its limits. We don’t advise topical onion use on a date, either, or if you’re playing hide and seek. Onion smell is a dead giveaway.
Blue Star Ointment erases itching without all the inconvenience and stinkiness of onion therapy!
Remedy: Apply spider webs to your itchy parts.
Pros: Pliny the Elder, a first century AD Roman doctor, was onto something here. Vitamin K, which can be found in spider webs, helps with wound healing and blood clotting.
Cons: Guess what else can be found in spider webs.
Blue Star Ointment soothes your itchy skin without angering spiders!
Remedy: Soak a penny in vinegar, and tape or bandage it to the affected area.
Pros: This was customary folk medicine advice in 1800s America. It was believed that a chemical reaction between the copper of the penny and the acid in the vinegar would reduce itching, and even cure fungus. After all, vinegar does clean old pennies.
Cons: Vinegar may have some skin benefits, but it also has that eye-watering smell, and immediate itch relief is not guaranteed. Meanwhile, copper turns many peoples’ skin green.
Blue Star Ointment zaps your itch fast without vinegary odor or an alarming reptile complexion!
Remedy: How about some kerosene?
Pros: In ancient Babylon, this crude oil-based distillate could be used as a fuel, a solvent, or for that not-so-nice embarrassing itch that guys experience in their “swimsuit area.” Pretty versatile stuff!
Cons: According to the World Health Organization, kerosene exposure can also result in “irritability, restlessness, ataxia, drowsiness, convulsions, coma and death.” Not to mention that kerosene is highly flammable.
With Blue Star Ointment, you can relieve even stubborn “below-the-belt” itching without fear of convulsions, death, or bursting into flames!
Remedy: You could always try soaking the itchy spot with a damp rag, then placing the rag in a coffin with a dead body!
Pros: 12th century royal court physicians recommended this option, according to a helpful English medical book from the time. Other than that, we can think of exactly no advantages.
Cons: Logistically, scientifically, and ethically, this practice is absolutely 100% a terrible idea. Seriously, please don’t even try this. It won’t work, and it’s gross and inappropriate. We don’t care who dares you, or whether you are transported to medieval England somehow. Nope.
Blue Star Ointment treats your itch without superstition or a profound and offensive disregard for departed loved ones.
To recap: Blue Star Ointment stops itching fast without time machines, coffins, fire, spiders, terrible smells, embarrassing greenness, or comas.
They say that those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. We hope this look at itchy history will keep you from repeating the mistakes of yesteryear. Welcome back to now, and use Blue Star Ointment to treat the discomfort of prickly heat, mosquito bites, rashes, and athletic itch. Your skin (and hardworking spiders) will thank you!